Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Late night brain storming is a favorite of mine. If it’s on the beach, walking down the street (singing “doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo”), driving your car with the music blaring, lying in a hammock looking up at the stars, biking around the neighborhood while children are at play, or in front of a computer to compile them all…it’s great. Nothing flexes the mind more than a rigorous study of what you’re into. Let me manifest….

I love to ask myself the question, “What do you want?” Yes, I ask in third person to seem outside myself. This question arises emotions aplenty and requires an exploration of where someone is headed. My first answer is always, “I want a cookie.” But alas, this wish has not been granted. I will continue to create a ruckus until this indelible desire is placated.

The problem with asking myself this question is I never know what I want until it comes and smacks me in the face with blunt force trauma. Does anyone really know what they want? Wanting means “to be deficient by the absence of some part or thing.” That’s just it. At the point in time we ask ourselves what we want, we don’t know because it’s unattainable. When someone accepts Jesus into their lives, we always say to them, “your life will never be the same.” They don’t know what is going to change or how Jesus will interact with them, but they step out because they want something. What we long for cannot be something because something isn’t good enough. It needs to be someone. Jesus.

This isn’t about that though. Frustration impedes on me whenever what I want comes up because I just don’t know sometimes. Prior to this post I made a list of things I wanted. Anything that came to mind. After, I scanned through and checked the ones I’d experienced before but were wanting again. That was 50%. It included material things like violin strings, Publix green iced tea, and that cookie which still haunts me. The other 50% I’ve had before but wanted in a totally different way or on a deeper level. My relationship with Jesus is something that was on the list. I already have a good one with him right now, but it’s not good enough. I don’t know what’s coming next. Or else I’d already be there. A female companion was on the list also. I’ve had a few female companions, but the one coming won’t be the same as past. When love is ushered in with a relationship, it won’t be the same love I felt for the others. It will be an unknown. And like Jesus, the further we get in, the more we know.

Props to Ryan Olsen for filling the void. Thanks man.

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